Smile
by Diva-esque
Summary: Through it all, Sohma Momiji smiles.


Aishuu Offers:

**Smile**  
A Fruits Basket Fan Fiction Fruits Basket is not mine.  
Author's Notes: Credit Anna for talking to me and inadvertently feeding me lines. Thanks to Autumn for directing me to the Furuba scanlations- unfortunately when I Dled, I got errors- hopefully "Smile" is acceptable, though. N

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When a child is little, sometimes the only thing that can bring comfort is a mother's hug. 

I never had that. Neither did some of my cousins, but forgive me for being a little self-centered, for I rarely get a chance to be. I'm so often worrying about the others and their problems that I rarely get a chance to think about mine... and I do have them, no matter what some people may think.

I guess it's the nature of the rabbit, to be ignored. The rabbit is very loved when people think of it, but it's always the argumentative ones who get the attention. After all, who would pay attention to little Momiji when Haru or Ayame or Ritsu or Yuki or... well, you get the idea. So I taught myself to always smile and laugh, and keep things that way.

_Smile_. That because my personal motto, and it's one that serves me well. When it hurts most, _smile_. When I see Akito being particularly horrid, pretend not to notice and _smile_. Whenever I seem Momo with Mama and wish it was me she loved like that, I act happy and _smile_. Whenever I have to say goodbye to my father, watch him go home to Mama and Momo and leave me to my foster parents instead of letting me join him, I say everything is all right and _smile_.

But not everything is all right.

I am a child who was rejected by his mother. My Mama even forgot me... No one can ever know how much that hurts unless it happens to him or her; but still, I smile, because that was the only thing I can do.

Tohru was the only one who ever noticed the sorrow I carry within me. Some of the Jyunishi may notice that my smiles aren't quite real, but they pretend not to see. They have pain of their own, but right now, I carry so much pain... how can a mother not want her child? How can she go to the extent of allowing the memory to be taken away?

Sometimes I hate Hari for allowing it to happen. He's had so much pain in his life... the dragon is considered to be the least desirable curse, with the exception of the cat, and Kanna... well, how could he knowingly add to my pain, even to make Mama happy? We all have trials in our lives, and Mama should have learned to deal with them, rather than run away, I think. But it wasn't Hari's choice- it was Mama's. He was merely her instrument. He only did what she wanted him to, so I couldn't - can't - blame him. Still, it's hard to tell the heart what the brain knows.

I just smile at him, as I smile at everyone.

One of the mothers of the Jyunishi, Hiro's mother, said something recently that made me think. "I really can't see how she could have forgotten him... he's adorable... even if it hurts, I would never forget my child..."

I wish my Mama was a little bit more like Hiro's. She seems to understand what I so firmly believe: no matter how painful the memory, it's something to cherish. We are the sum of our memories, and without them, we are incomplete.

No matter how the memory hurts, I will cherish it.

I told Tohru that, and it was her hug that assured me that though I was treasuring a child's wish, it wasn't wrong. Tohru is like that; she is able to take the bad and heal the pain within me. I'm not the most damaged of the Jyunishi, though. What is my pain compared to Hatori's, or Yuki's, or Kyou's? Still, being abandoned by a mother, and not allowed to freely acknowledge my sister... I could hate my mother for that.

There's been times when I've wanted to go up to her and yell, "Look at me, Mama! I'm here! Whose child do you think I AM? How many Sohmas have blonde hair? Look at Momo- can't you see I'm her big brother?"

I want my little sister.

It's sad, but as I get older, I actually lose some of the longing I have for my mother, and find myself getting angry at her. She has taken my father and sister from me, simply because she couldn't accept the truth about who I am. She has added to my pain- it's not enough that I will never be able to hug a woman, or hug my daughters, should I have them, but Mama has taken herself and my Papa and sister away as well. How could she be so selfish? Simply because she can't touch me, doesn't she understand there are other ways to show love? A kiss, a word, a caress? Or a smile?

_Smile_, Momiji, I tell myself. Whenever I see her and Momo, I smile at them, because I love them. No matter how much pain my mother has caused me, I love them.

Tohru, too, seems to share my belief in smiling. Until she entered my life, I never believed that someone like her could exist.

Even though she's only a year older then me, she views me as a child, which is okay, I suppose. I seem to have stalled in my growth; a part of me refuses to grow up. Maybe it's because I'm waiting for Mama to be ready to acknowledge me... maybe it's because the rabbit is always cute, and grown men aren't as cute as children, I don't know. The first time I heard of her, it was through, surprisingly, Hatori. Hari didn't talk much, and the fact that he was talking to me was a little surprising. He rarely talks to me except to scold. Hari doesn't believe that smiles make the world better.

I had just arrived home from school, and was thinking about what to do. Schoolwork was amazingly easy and took little of my time, and I had to fill many long hours at the Sohma house waiting for the evening. My foster parents, Sohma Akiko and Sohma Touma, are somehow tied to the Jyunishi in a fashion I haven't figured out. They are affectionate, but not loving. Akiko never hugs me, afraid of triggering the curse, and Touma is not a demonstrative person. I prefer to avoid them, rather than notice the difference between what a foster family and a real family is.

Hatori met me at the gate. "You're skipping school tomorrow," he said.

I looked at him curiously. "I am?" I asked. "Why?" I wondered if my latest medical results had come back with an abnormality. Hari watches the health of the Jyunishi closely, to prevent us from transforming when we get ill.

"Kyou and Yuki's school is having a festival. Akito wants to go, and I think you'd like to see your cousins again, wouldn't you?"

I had never been particularly close to either the cat or mouse, but I liked them both. I like most everyone. "Sure! But... Akito is going?" I asked.

"If he's well enough. I think he's coming down with something."

I was silent. Akito's obsession with Yuki was well-known among the family. If I went, I could distract the crowd from seeing Yuki's fear of the family head, which was probably Hari's intention. Then I smiled. _Always smile, Momiji! _I told myself. "It'll be fun to see Yuki and Kyou again!" I said, pretending to be excited. "Will you get me something to eat?"

Hari was the only adult who wasn't deceived my smiles. Even with his limited eyesight, he saw more than most people did with two normal eyes. "There's something more," he said softly.

I was still smiling slightly as I looked at him, my wide eyes studying his face. "What? Is Kyou on the verge of beating Yuki?" I asked, the laughter exploding out of me at the very thought. It would never happen; Yuki was the mouse, Kyou was the cat, and in the Jyunishi, the cat was forever cursed to pursue the perfect mouse without success.

Hari didn't laugh at that. "There's a girl who's living at Shigure's house with them," he said.

I lost my smile, and forgot how to breath. It took a second for that knowledge to return to me. "What?" I whispered finally.

"Her name's Honda Tohru, and she knows of the curse," she said.

My mind started spinning. "Are... are you going... to do..." I trailed off, not able to finish my question.

Hari knew I was sensitive on that subject. "Not at the moment. Akito has decided that she's to keep her memory."

I looked at him, unable to believe that. "A girl... a non-Sohma... who knows about the Jyunishi?" I said, trying to sum it all up. It seemed like a fairy tale, or maybe a nightmare.

"Shigure says you'll like her. She's always smiling, and a little bit dense." Hari was silent for a moment.

"So we're going?"

"Yes... tomorrow. I'll pick you up at your house, and then we'll go get Akito. And... Momiji? I'll have my hands full with Kyou, Yuki and Akito. You give me any problems, and I'll use that as an excuse to go home."

"I'll be good!" I said, crossing my fingers behind my back. I didn't know what to feel of think, so I quickly darted away, much like the rabbit I was cursed by.

There was a place in the compound that I liked to think; a small vegetable garden that was overgrown. When I had been younger, it had been Yuki's place, but since he had left, none of the cousins had claimed it, and no one not of the Jyunishi would dare venture within. I knew better than to disturb any plants, because Yuki, when he came back, would be furious if the plants were damaged. He loved plants more than people. I had no doubt that Yuki would return.

Akito wouldn't let his favorite toy escape him.

I sat in a patch of clover, inhaling the fresh scent. A girl... who knew about the Jyunishi. The possibilities made my head spin.

Would she be able to look at me without fear?

Could I perhaps hug her, and know what a real hug feels like?

I wanted to know. I wanted to know so desperately... there is nothing sweeter than forbidden fruit.

Kyou... and Yuki. Together at the same school. I had heard that rumor, but I hadn't thought of it. I liked Kyou, but part of me felt a little sorry for him- and angry. He desperately wanted to be a part of the main Jyunishi, which was the one thing he could never have.

He was the cat.

The cat had to be excluded.

There were reasons for that, and Kyou couldn't accept it. I could accept my mother abandoning me with a smile- why couldn't Kyou accept the cards fate had dealt him? Still, I smiled at him, and was his friend, since he had too few friends. I never let my pity show, because the last thing Kyou wanted was pity.

And now... there was a girl. Honda Tohru... I wondered what kind of girl she was. Was she pretty? Hari had said she was dense, but Hari was very smart. He considered many people dense.

I spent that night wide-awake, wondering.

To my vast relief, Hari judged Akito too ill to go, so he was left behind, after giving Hari explicit instructions and a camera. I dressed as cutely as possible, knowing that most people would think I was an elementary school kid. That was fine; that would be according to plan.

I wanted to see this Tohru...

I almost died when I walked in the classroom which had been changed into an onigiri stand, totally blowing my cover. Yuki was in a dress.

Yuki looked thoroughly miserable, and I could guess what had happened. Yuki's bishounen looks had earned him admiration all his life, and it was a constant goal of females everywhere to dress him up. Apparently, someone had won a battle with him, and he was sulking. Kyou was sitting to the side, actually looking slightly sympathetic.

I understood Yuki's misery; I had the same problem. In my case, though, I just accepted it. It was easier then fighting.

And then I saw her. She had to be Honda Tohru. Her long brown hair fell halfway down her back, and her blue eyes were the color of the sky. She was watching us talk to Yuki and Kyou, and I knew who she was. Her eyes were innocent and excited to meet us, and there was curiosity there. I could tell she was wondering about us...

She knew. It was her.

After introductions, I arranged to be taken behind the stand with her, doing my cutest routine. I could see she thought I was only about ten, but that was okay. If she thought that, that meant I'd be more likely to succeed.

I wanted to hug her.

This girl... wouldn't reject me.

I wanted a real hug, with no sadness beneath it. Just joy, and affection.

Kyou was there as well, but he was easily dealt with. When he tried to keep me from jumping into her arms, I slyly said, "I bet you hug her everyday," I accused Kyou, knowing that would get him to let me go.

Kyou sputtered, and released me, blushing brighter than a tomato.

I wish I could say exactly what it was like, to be embraced by Honda Tohru. Tohru was surprised, but there was something about her light strawberry perfume that smelled wonderful to me. I had a chance to snuggle close to her soft body before the strange tingle that signaled the Jyunishi curse's trigger came over me.

It had been so long since I had been embraced by female, except for Rin, Kagura or Kisa. This was different, though. It was... warmer. There was no sorrow underlying it, and I knew that though Hatori would yell at me and punish me, it had been worth that brief glimpse of happiness.

I smiled at her, even though no one knows how to recognize a rabbit's smile.

Since then, I've felt calmer. It was a beginning for me. It wasn't a mother's hug, but it was the next best thing; it was the hug of a person with a warm heart, who had seen within my soul. Tohru had that ability- she saw within your soul upon meeting.

I fell in love with her, just a little, that day. I know that someday, she will make the choice between Kyou and Yuki, and decide where her heart truly lies. I'm not sure what the right decision is... I wish I did. Should the mouse win, as destiny commands? Or should Tohru predestination and choose the cat, forging a new path for the Jyunishi?

I wish I knew.

I'm rooting for you, Tohru-chan... I hope you find a way to heal all our hearts. Still, a large part of me fears that there's no way you can, at least not without tainting your pure soul which shines like such a beacon in the darkness. Still, I won't give up the belief that maybe you can make a difference, Tohru... it's selfish of me, but I need to have that hope. Without it, there's simply no reason to go on.

And me? I'll do what I do best. I'll keep on smiling, pretending nothing really bothers me, and hoping that some day, Mama will be ready to remember that she has a son... and even though he is cursed to turn into a rabbit whenever she embraces him, there are other ways to show love. All I need is for her to smile at me, and I can give her an honest, true smile back, rather than the false one I wear now.

END

Notes: Written before Furuba was licensed.


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